Top 5 stupid ways to die

Following my last post I have been inspired to throw down a list of my top 5 stupid ways to die in games. And believe me I know a thing or two about dying in stupid ways- this is like the Darwin awards of gaming. So saddle up and get ready to meet your maker prematurely, here is my top 5 stupid ways to die

5. Halo Reach- reflective civilians

Bungie introduced an interesting technique to prevent players from murdering civilians in Halo Reach. My only guess is that the citizens of Reach were influenced by Adam West's Family Guy persona and installed tiny bullet sized shields within their bodies, because every time I shoot a civilian on the Exodus mission my gun backfires and I instantly die. Then I become the laughing stock of everyone. I know I shouldn't be shooting civilians and I understand why Bungie have done this, but 100% of these incidents have been accidental. Crossfire mainly. Being a city, the damn place is swarming with civilians, often being held aloft by the very enemies you are trying to save them from. So in the chaos of a firefight and with the input lag present in co op, it can be very easy to shoot a civilian by mistake. I think death is a harsh punishment for such an incident, especially when you are attempting a perfect run. I would settle for -1000 points or a health penalty, but instant death? Come on...

4. Uncontrollably falling down

(Kudos if you get the reference.)This relates to any game in which you have a health scale that counts backwards from 100 until you die at 0 health. Logically. In these games, damage is dealt by attrition. Numbering your health is a good means of gauging how much fire you can handle, or how much damage your weapon will do to enemies. However there is a massive lack of foresight present in such games when fall damage is thrown into the mix. I have lost track of how many times I have had my organs turned to paste from sustained gunfire and escaped a battle with such dire health that my head is probably held on by a thread. And then during my escape I hop a garden fence or jump off a 1st story roof, and then a fall that might at worst sprain your ankle in real life turns out to be fatal simply because it deals 5 fall damage out of the 4 health I have remaining. After surviving 13 bullets to the legs, a 7ft drop really shouldn't kill you. If this were true 50 Cent would have a terrible phobia of curbs.

3. Haze stupid fucking church death

See my previous entry for the full version of events. Basically I was crushed by a church bell tower which falls down in a scripted event, only with very little warning. So if you happen to be stood in the exact area it falls purely by coincidence, you can kiss your sweet ass goodbye. This area happens to be behind the LMG that you need to be using during this section, so its probably happened to a few people. My main concern is that I was killed by mankind's pointless obsession with building huge obnoxious monuments to religious figures. If that heli had crashed into a KFC I would not have had this problem.

2. CoD super knife

The melee mechanic introduced into CoD titles in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (as far as I am aware) almost takes the number one spot for stupid game deaths. Every time I am killed by a knife in a game of CoD, I die a little inside. Basically, knifing in CoD is as simple as clicking a button. There is very little break in the action- your character produces a knife out of nowhere in a slashing motion and then it disappears back into whichever orifice you released it from. To top it off, it kills enemies instantly. My main qualm with this is the massive lack of balancing or general logic involved. In the same game, you can shoot someone with a .50 caliber anti-material rifle and they will survive. Sure you might live through something like that in real life, but you would not live well. That thing would punch a hole the size of a bowling ball in whatever it hits, so the fact you can shrug off a .50 cal to the torso yet die from a knife grazing your elbow just blows my mind. Unless it causes your internal organs to eject out of any opening I cant make sense out of it.

1. Battlefield 3 non deaths

Now you can die in some pretty stupid ways in Battlefield. There must be literally hundreds of ways to die, even once you get past the obvious getting shot, blown up by a tank, ran over by an APC, etc etc. You can get crushed by falling buildings, have mortars dropped on your head, get shot from a sniper so far away you cant even see them, hell you can even be road-killed by an MAV- which is basically an expensive remote controlled mini helicopter which has the combined mass of a dinner plate. But the worst deaths are the deaths that happen seemingly for no reason- anything that leads to the prompt "suicide" or "bad luck." Again there are many ways in which this can happen, each more moronic than the last. A personal favorite is the exploding car. If you are near a car that explodes, it will kill you. Always .Now this means a teammate can trigger a car to explode and teamkill you just because he can. In game modes where friendly fire isn't active it always fills me with joy when a teammate finds a way to blow me up. Similarly, friendlies can bail out of a moving jeep and because the jeep is now considered idle and not friendly, it can still run you over. But these are not the worst of the bunch, oh no. I have had instances where I have just been taking a leisurely stroll down the road and I have dropped dead for no reason, only to see "bad luck." Like a distant explosion gave my character a severe heart attack, or he just died of a sudden brain aneurysm. Taking realism to the next level perhaps? No, I think that is more "bad coding" than "bad luck." Even still there are plenty of other ways to randomly die in Battlefield, such as mantling a 3ft wall and dying from a drop as short as your leg, or jumping off a low balcony only to get caught in an infinite loop of plummeting thus lengthening the fall distance to lethal proportions, or even random explosions seemingly caused simply because you exist. Its no wonder BF3 has snagged the no.1 spot for me.

On the subject of stupid deaths, here's one I made earlier. This time the stupidity was on my behalf. Enjoy.

Out with the old, in with the new

   I am going to take some time out to write about a few old titles I recently played for the first time. Yesterday, my friend brought around a few older Playstation 3 exclusives which we decided to play of both curiosity and response to hype. The first of which was Resistance, the original Resistance that is. Now I didn't realise at first just how old this game was, but noticeably it hasn't aged well, so that was the first clue. Immediately it reminded me of Call of Duty 2, both graphically and in the way the controls were handled. To be fair I think the two titles must have been released around a similar time. However I had heard comparisons between Resistance and Halo, claims that Resistance was Halo for the PS3. So I decided to persist with the graphical issue for a short while. Now I'm not sure whether this is simply down to nostalgia for me, but in my eyes Halo is just leagues ahead. In design, gameplay, Halo even seems to have aged better and it was a title from the original Xbox. My main issue with Resistance was the AI- the enemies are eager to just stand still in the open and fire wildly in your direction. And when you have an assault rifle that can track marked targets, it quickly became a turkey shoot. The gameplay reminded me of Unreal Tournament- though to be fair any game where you can run and gun and still be as accurate as using controlled aimed fire will remind me of Unreal Tournament. Considering the game seems to be going for a serious tone, this was not a good thing. After 3 missions of shooting the same enemies in the same way we decided to call it a day. Maybe I should give the game a chance to improve, or perhaps play the sequels and see how they went down. 

     The second game in question was Haze, which I was looking forward to playing because of the mixed reviews it had received. Also being a more recent title I had less concerns about eye strain. From the offset, Haze struck me as loud and obnoxious. You play as a guy in a bright yellow suit surrounded by other annoying macho idiots also in bright yellow suits. Now these guys aren't winning any awards for their fashion sense, but that's not the first issue that sprung to mind. Wearing florescent armor and shouting at the top of your lungs is a great way of asking for a bullet in the face. Sure enough, you stand out like a day time drunk- which as far as the single player goes is not a real issue as the AI is basically psychic anyway, but I could see it being a problem in multiplayer as the other team takes the roll of the rebels who are actually freaking hard to see in the jungle. This made the first mission interesting, I liked how half the time you couldn't see who was shooting at you. Just like Nam, maaaan. You weren't there. Quickly things progressed beyond the interesting jungle environment however, and predictably it wasn't long before we were exploring drab gray industrial areas. Que tedious monotony.

      Basically, it turns out you and your entire squad are pumped up on some kind of super drug. Its like steroids, crack and PCP all rolled into one. Injecting yourself with this drug enhances your reactions, your pain threshold and ability to perceive danger. But take too much and you go crazy and start shooting everything- walls, raccoons, teammates, nothing escapes your drug fueled rage. Also judging by your buddies, it turns you into an unbelievably insufferable prick. The first half of the game I was just waiting for the opportunity to shoot my goddamn teammates in the back of the face. Fortunately the plot twist allows you to silence these morons once and for all. The drug injection is quite interesting as a game mechanic but I don't think its enough to redeem the game entirely. Everything just seems somehow unfinished. Haze strikes me as the type of game that could benefit from a sprint feature- often you find yourself in wide open areas with sporadic cover, and as soon as you start taking fire you are dead in the water. It would be nice to be able to double time it to the conveniently placed waist high cover but instead you will have to make do with flailing your extremities and sponging 500 bullets in a bloody frenzy. It just doesn't feel right being all drugged up and not being able to run around like a maniac.  Remember kids, stay in school.

In Haze, your main weapons are not satisfying enough. Well, in my opinion. The assault rifles are rather bland and lacking features, plus the holo sights are useless as they have no reticule. My response to this issue saw me using the handgun for the entire game, and sniper rifles whenever I could find them. Being that the damn pistol is a hand-cannon that could link to a zoom function in your visor, I saw little use for anything else. And considering my friend was running around trying to take everyone on with throwing knives, between us we ran into some issues when it came to grouped enemies. I have a gripe with the scripted events in Haze as in one instance this led to arguably the most ridiculous death in gaming history, its gotta be in my top five at least. Basically after clearing a town square of enemies, we were tasked with taking down an enemy dropship. After firing off roughly 200 rounds at the damn thing with a fixed LMG, the pilot had the clever idea to fly above me and hover around in my blind spot. My buddy loosed off three rockets into the dropship, but this wasn't enough to bring it down. So I bring out my handgun and let out two rounds into the cockpit- now I don't know if the game even registers the cockpit as a weak point or if it was just a case of dealing attrition damage, but this was enough to bring the dropship crashing down. My celebrations were short lived as the wreckage collides with a church and the bell tower collapses directly on top of me. I was glad we were playing co op because if I had to re play a particularly frustrating section just because I stood in the exact area that a building collapses during a scripted event through sheer dumb luck,  I would be pissed. Suffice to say that was the final nail in the coffin, Haze is probably a game best enjoyed in the same state of intoxication as your character. Otherwise its just one big yellow headache. 

    Now from old titles to a relatively new release, and a game I have not even played. Following a recommendation from an online contact, I have been looking at an intriguing PS3 title called Journey. Now I know what you are thinking and no it has nothing to do with the band. Well, to the best of my knowledge. Either way, this game looks amazing. It is visually breathtaking, and a completely unique concept. This game looks so abstract that I am struggling to find anything to compare it to, its like Wind Waker and Prince of Persia had a love child... through immaculate conception. And it was baptized in melted chocolate and gold. I know you are probably confused. Watch this quick IGN review and all shall become clear. I will definitely be picking up this title, so stay tuned.

Swings and roundabouts

     So recently I lost my super awesome too-good-to-be-true well paying job, and just for the record it was through no fault of my own. There were no fires or deaths by gross misconduct... this time, just good old fashioned bad luck. Ah, my old friend. I have since discovered I might be slightly resentful towards this development. But I suppose its not all bad. On the plus side I will have more time to spill my brains on here, which is  preferable to spilling my brains on some motel bathroom floor because life throws me a curve ball once in a while. Morbid comparisons aside, the point of this entry is to inform you that I shall be updating my blog more frequently and trying to push things forwards in the writing department, so stay tuned. Everything is okedoke A-OK, whatever that means, and hopefully as history shows frustration shall fuel creativity. Get ready for masterpieces and ear removal. On a lighter and even more unrelated note, I am currently eating shortbread with a braille package and it tastes like whiskey. I am not sure blind people know what they are getting themselves in to here. I think the joke is on me, maybe the braille reads "not suitable for human consumption." If like me you were feeling frustrated today, remember things could be worse. Damn cheese...

30 day video game challenge day 16

    When it comes down to the best videogame cutscenes I find myself scratching my head and thumbing through my memory banks to see if there is any one game that stands out from the crowd. With modern releases, lengthy high budget cutscenes are becoming a common feature. Some titles have even become renowned from their cutscenes alone, such as the later Final Fantasy games and Metal Gear Solid ventures. Now I have not played these titles myself, but from looking on Youtube I can tell they literally have hours of cutscenes filling in narrative and back-story. For me this does not make a good cutscene, it needs to segue in effectively with the game experience. Massive chunky cinematics would break up the gameplay to much for me. If I wanted to watch a film of Final Fantasy, I would go watch Advent Children, and for Metal Gear Solid I would much rather watch Escape From New York and enjoy some Kurt Russell awesomeness. Halo Wars attempted to tackle cutscenes in a similar manor, and while it was cool to see some of the designs and characters from the Halo universe in incredible CGI, I felt that they were massively lacking in substance. The whole scenario felt too much like a Hollywood blockbuster- all action and no grit. Sargent Forge acts like a ass the whole way through and at the grand finale rather than feeling a sense of loss and respect for his ultimate act of sacrifice, I found myself rooting for the giant all consuming implosion. Go go billion degree heat- take that Forge you childish asshat. 

                 I think my personal favorite game for cutscenes would have to be Fable. Nothing special really, they were basically used to showcase some of Fables awesome artwork using a combination of a fresco montage and gripping narration by Zoe Wanamaker. In addition to looking amazing and stylistic, they accomplished what any good cutscene should by tying the story together in a neat and presentable fashion. Simple but effective. Cutscenes these days like to distract the gamer with some bright colors and noisy explosions whilst their character does something awesome. But its easy to forget that it is not in fact you doing something awesome, so what is really the point? That may sound self indulgent, but show me a game where you do not control the main character and I will show you a gaming anomaly. Anyhow, I could totally do a back-flip over a car and shoot the driver in the top of the head whilst on fire, I don't need a scripted scene showcasing someone who isn't me hogging the spotlight. Hollywood cheesiness should be left to high budget brain dead blockbusters, game cutscenes should be all about substance and immersion. You gotta feel it or else the gaming experience is considerably diminished, in my opinion.

30 day video game challenge day 15

      Day 15 asks for screenshots from a game I am currently playing. Now I have been taking some stills of my Battlefield 3 experiences- but being that the game has no replay or screenshot system to speak of and I do not own a capture card, I have been using my iPhone to take crude makeshift pictures. This is extremely problematic in the middle of combat as Battlefield is so fast paced that standing still for .5 seconds will always result in a healthy dose of bullet to the face or shrapnel to the spleen, and using one hand isn't really an option. So with that in mind, the majority of my screenshots to date have been post game scoreboards after particularly eventful matches. I could take the easy way out and pull some quality screenshots off the web, but I prefer the personal touch. Even if all my screenshots are blurry glare-fests. I shall keep this updated as I get some more exciting images, but for now here's some numbers.

42 kills 2 deaths whilst extremely hung over on a map I hate. I love Battlefield.

Myself and some buddies dominating the ace squad spot

Pretend that glare is an explosion and you have a good impression of the chaos of Battlefield

The game may have frozen during this strafing run. But it sure looked cool

If in doubt, snipe some fools.

30 day video game challenge day 14

Probably not much writing to accompany this post, day 14 asks for a current or most recent gaming desktop background. Which is somewhat presumptuous. Unfortunately we gamers are a predictable sort, and I have been using game themed desktops for quite some time, so I shall post the most recent examples.

       There is something about Garrus that is incredibly bad-ass. Even with half his face missing he is one hell of a sniper. So here he is looking cool. The concepets and original designs for Mass Effect are quite unlike anything I have ever seen despite originating from a common genre and make for some rather epic desktop images. 

On gaming masochism

    I have no idea why I picked 4am in the pitch darkness on my own to start playing FEAR 2 again- on surround sound no less. I can tell you this, the game is not named ironically. I think I had so many heart attacks that they canceled each-other out and formed a consistent average heartbeat. Impressively, in one one respect anyway, the terror does not just come from jumpy modern horror movie style moments. I mean that's a no brainer, I am sure Viva Pinata could make you jump if you turned out the lights and maybe took some LSD, but that's besides the point. FEAR 2 does a brilliant job at building up the tension, as with its predecessor. Eerie string music and ambient sound serve to build up some serious involuntary urination often to no end. I cant think of how often I have been expecting my face to be ripped off by scary demon children, spending 10 minutes building up the testicular fortitude to walk around a corner only to stroll into an empty room or encounter some average non-threatening peons. Well as far as FEAR is concerned, I consider a team of soldiers packing machine guns and body armor to be non-threatening. The visuals also help paint an ominous mental image. Corridors strewn with organs and bloody child-sized footprints usually work as a progress deterrent. I mean, just take a look at this screenshot. Can you blame me for not wanting to stick my head in there? 

Wii has come out

Ultimately I have come to the conclusion that playing FEAR in this way is an extreme act of masochism and I must be trying to kill myself through the medium of game. Well it sure beats interpretive dance, at least. Psychological terror aside, FEAR 2 works really well as a shooter. Who would have expected that? I would even go as far as to say it has  helped to hone my reactions when it comes to FPS titles. After a section of the game spent creeping through the bowels of the earth jumping at the slightest movement and shotgunning your own reflection, you are thrown into a built up urban area post nuclear blast and given a sniper rifle to play with. Now I would like to think of myself as a decent sniper at the best of times, but with the highly attuned schizoid reflexes I had developed after simply a few hours of FEAR, I found this part incredibly easy. I was doming bad guys left right and center at the rate of Superman on a speed & coffee bender. I was Fredrick Zoller, Mark Wahlberg and Lee Harvey Oswald all rolled into one. I think all first person shooters should now be played after a healthy dose of terror, so before I next jump on Battlefield 3 I am going to play chicken with a train. Wish me luck.