Hardcore Pawn

      I am now going to have a bit of a rant about a very very annoying game so you may have to humor me. For some reason the 30 day video game challenge is missing this particular category so I'm going to freestyle it. Also the game in question haunts me every day so I desperately need to vent before it suffocates me. OK here we go, have you guessed it? Of course you haven't because the game in question is virtual chess. Or is it? I don't actually know the correct name, I mean it hardly qualifies as a video game in the sense you cannot buy it on a disc- I believe it comes as standard with Windows Home Edition. Possibly. Well whatever OS the PC at work has, its on that. Yes I am complaining about a crummy desktop game I play at work, so get used to this terrible concept you sycophants. 

      Now I am no chess master, but Id like to think of myself as a thinking man. See, all the thinking in that sentence proves it. But even on the easiest setting, this game is completely impossible.. Everything move you make is matched an accounted for- the AI does everything in such a way that every single piece will be backed up with another. Take a piece and you can be sure that yours will in turn be taken immediately, or something else you left open will be taken as a result of not moving it. Even if by some miracle of the divines you manage to gain an advantage, the computer will roll out the queen and steamroller all your pieces with extreme precision. Any misallocation of your pieces will be punished as the AI doles out multi-directional death.
      That's not even the worst part, the rules seem to be completely makeshift. As soon as a pawn gets through your lines, instead of earning back one of their lost pieces back the enemy gains another queen. Soon enough you are faced with an army of queens, which despite sounding like a nightclub in Brighton is actually very threatening. Maybe I am just approaching it from the wrong direction. Chess takes due thought and calculation, and when I am playing in my lunch break I am usually tackling it at 100 miles per hour trying to destroy everything with a single rook. Still, I am not so sure. The one time I did try to take things slow, my foe still had a wall of pawns and an unbeatable queen between me and sweet victory. Its madness, when you are faced with an enemy that plays 100% defensively and exploits any mistake, there is literally nothing you can do. As a gamer this frustrates my ego complex of needing to win everything. If you ever want to see a grown man rage quit a game of chess, come visit me at work. Next time I am taking a shovel to the desktop, check mate motherfucker.

I haven't shot anyone in the face in a while

   Ok firstly I think I should explain the title at the risk of sounding like a hitman on vacation. Basically I haven't been able to do any gaming in a while, and as I play mainly shooters, I do my fair share of face shooting when I am gaming. On a good day. On a bad day this may be extended to shin/kneecap/fingertip shooting. I know, its a wonderful social experience. Anyhow, as you may have noticed I also have not done any blogging in a while. I feel I should justify this as for once it is not down to laziness on behalf of yours truly. Basically over the course of the last week or so I have been contending with sudden employment, funerals and other random occurrences that have overall left me physically, mentally and emotionally drained. Like a sponge left out in the sun, I imagine. But today I feel like writing- I don't know if that is down to clocking off early or manning up, spamming up and generally shutting the fuck up and getting on with it. So I have hydrated my poor sponge self and proceeded to spout gobbledeegook for your entertainment. Here is some stuff about things, enjoy it.

30 day video game challenge day 12

      You would think that when deciding on a game everyone should play, one should chose something universal. Well that was a good idea in practice but I went for something that is universal as long as you are over 16. I know that isn't universal in the slightest but I don't know anyone under 16 so I figure I can get away with it. Anyhow, I think everyone should play Limbo. And by Limbo, I mean the disturbing surreal arcade title and not the one where you shimmy under a stick of varying height. That's a real game for real people. But I know everyone will not play this title unfortunately as half the people reading this probably have the incorrect console and the rest aren't even gamers. Perhaps when I am undisputed lord and master of the world you shall all play Limbo under the do-as-I-say regime, but until then you can pick up this title on Xbox Live Arcade and Paystation Network. I am not sure about the Wii- I doubt it would cross over well. Shake Wiimote to wii yourself and go fetal. 

      In Limbo, you play a child trapped within the mind of Joseph Fritzl. Well, I am sure you are trapped in limbo as the name suggests. However, everything is so dark, twisted and out to get you that you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise. When I first played Limbo, I hailed it as the game that could give you arachnophobia. I stand by that statement- when the giant spiders slink out of the shadows I still run for the hills. I am sure playing Limbo is not healthy for the psyche. Literally anything would be healthier on the mind. Even a twelve hour flight to New Jersey. Sat next to a screaming baby. And the in flight movie is something with Adam Sandler. And they are out of headphones. That was a long one, but you get the picture. Limbo is pretty damn dark.

     Darkness is not the reason I recommend Limbo however. Don't get me wrong it does disturbing incredibly well, which is difficult to find in games of late (Unless you have played Fallout 3 and stumble across a vault full of clones who can only say "Gary," inspiring terror yet also curious memories of that Only Fools and Horses episode) but that is not the sole reason why you should all play Limbo. You should play Limbo for the artistic value. The game looks wonderful, in a creepy arthouse sort of way. Everything is black and white set with thick heavy shadows, which only serves to enhance the horror when a 20ft spider lumbers menacingly out of nowhere to impale you in the noggin and suck out your young delicious brains. The sound design is nothing short of epic- the wind whispering through the trees is ominously atmospheric, genuinely conveying the "I'm about to be murdered by something spiky" feel. In short play this game and enjoy its deliciousness- eat it like a cake. A cake of terror. So anything with coconut, har har. But seriously, Limbo is so unique and artsy it is like a breath of fresh air. I give it 3 thumbs up.

Frankensteins day

   As I am sure most of you are aware, yesterday was valentines day. I hope you all had a good time, couple or no, and if not I hope my previous romantically themed blog served to cheer you up a little. Sorry its a day late, apparently when you update your blog it doesn't save when you are not signed in. Who knew?!?

Anyhow, I spent the evening playing the Mass Effect 3 demo which came out on the same day, which I am sure slightly less of you are aware. If that sounds depressing well maybe my curse is honesty, but I had fun so its all good in the proverbial hood.

In summary, ME3 is shaping up to be pure awesomeness- and I didnt even touch the singleplayer. So far the multiplayer element seems to follow the popular horde mode path. You and 3 friends (or random strangers, you decide) suit up as a collection of bad-ass humans and attempt to survive 10 punishing waves of unforgiving mercenaries. New characters, classes and even races can be unlocked through leveling up, and it seems in the full game additional enemy types and customization options can be unlocked to keep the experience fresh. Despite being but a taster containing only two maps, I still enjoyed replaying them to death over the course of the evening. This may in no small part due to getting lucky with unlocks- as my human character I quickly gained damage upgrades for a sniper rifle, and then managed to get my hands on an anti material rifle which seemingly destroys most targets with one shot in a spray of crimson. A short time down the line I unlocked a Krogan soldier, and proceeded to headbutt my way to victory. I can tell you they are not the most team friendly characters; half the time I was blocking shots from my allies with the sheer size of my player model, the rest of the game I was inadvertently poaching kills by lashing out at the nearest thing with my giant armored cranium. Still, the whole thing is ridiculously enjoyable and I cannot wait for the full game. Happy belated valentines from space!

30 day video game challenge day 11

   I would say this was just in time for valentines day, however my blog decided not to save yesterday so whatever. I thought choosing my favorite game couple was a little strange at first as I was faced with analyzing the relationships of fictional characters like a therapist in need of therapy of his own. But that is me all over so I ran with it. The obvious choice would be Princess Peach and Mario. But I ask you, who decided they were so perfect? The whole thing just reeks of a dysfunctional relationship. Being captured so often by Bowser seems fishy to me, almost like she isn't being captured at all... maybe Mario should look into that next time. Italians are passionate, it could get ugly, so there's a sequel to look forward to. Mario and the Mushroom Murder Inquiry.  Don't forget my royalties.

    My favorite game couple would have to be Master Chief and Cortana of Halo fame. I know you probably saw that one coming, and their status as a couple or indeed if a 7ft government made cyborg and an artificial intelligence can actually be a couple is debatable, but in my eyes their relationship seems the most human. Which is ironic because neither of them are strictly human... Regardless, I cant help but find  the whole thing rather poetic. Which again comes as a surprise in an FPS title, but Bungie have always been good at combining original gameplay and concepts with engaging narrative and memorable characters. The connection of the two is more than skin deep, both are seen as outcasts- mere tools by design that should be utilized for war, that human emotions and compassion are beyond them. But  battling for the fate of the universe on the fringes of the galaxy, they get through it together. A symbiotic relationship of brains and brawn forged in the fires of battle. You cant get much more intimate than someone living inside your head, that's like having flatshare with your partner inside a bowl of cereal. But there Cortana resides, serving as an extension of the Master Chief- the voice inside his head, and the one true friend in his times of need. The one true human connection in an alien world.

   It is something that is never mentioned within the games, merely implied upon. But to me that serves to enforce it. A forbidden love that cannot be discussed will always be more powerful than the fairytale relationship of a princess and an Italian plumber. (I mean come on Nintendo, that is just lazy). Ultimately as their story concludes, the Master Chief goes through hell itself to rescue Cortana from the clutches of evil. It is difficult to find that sort of compassion anywhere else in the gaming world. I am speaking metaphorically of course, if you want a more literal interpretation of that particular scenario The Darkness offers a taste of pure hell as the protagonist watches the love of his life executed in front of his very eyes, and in an act of  finite desperation proceeds to feed himself a lead sandwich. Next level? You guessed it, the plains of hell. But I figure that is too grim of a tale for valentines day, so instead let us focus on the love between a lean green killing machine and his glowing holographic woman. Hallelujah!

30 day video game challenge day 10

    The 10th day covers best gameplay. To avoid complication I am going to talk about best gameplay within first person shooters. Partly because I think the FPS genre has some of the best all round gameplay anyway, but also because comparing gameplay within separate genres doesn't really make sense. Think about it, Sonic the Hedgehog and Halo are both enjoyable games in their own rights, but try and find a similarity and you will be hard pressed. Although, we have never seen Master Chief without that helmet...
Unfortunately these days it is difficult to pick contenders for best gameplay for the simple reason that this core, crucial game component is often neglected. Instead, the focus is shifted towards graphical tweaks, small physics enhancements or a flashy new feature. Take Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 as an example- that was sold simply off the back of a few new game modes, weapons and perks. Other than that, practically identical as Modern Warfare 2. Worth spending £40 on? Apparently so, as it is the best selling videogame to date. For me fancy gimmicks are not what makes a game. Unfortunately your average gamer will be drawn in by these shiney new features like a magpie. Thats right, a magpie. Dangle a new big name title in front of them and they will peck away at it for a few weeks, then a short time down the line they will forget about it and do the exact same thing with the next title. Like some form of horrific goldfish-magpie hybrid. Anyway enough about gene splicing and back to Call of Duty.

         Yes- despite the shamelessly ham-fisted approach to marketing deployed by Treyarch, or Infinity Ward,or whoever the hell is owning the CoD franchise these days- you cannot fault the CoD series for gameplay. They are by no means the best around, but as far as fluidity and ease of movement is concerned, its hard to beat CoD. By means of Comparison, the console Battlefield titles (prior to Battlefield 3) feel somewhat... bloated. Simply walking around feels like you are at a constant struggle against gravity, almost like you are wading through treacle. I understand if its an attempt at achieving a feeling akin to carrying tons of battle equipment, however it feels as if your soldier soiled himself during the previous firefight and as a last ditch attempt to compensate for the embarrassment and trauma decided to down 6 litres of vodka. CoD on the other hand has always ran rather smoothly, running and gunning is infinitely more possible in CoD titles. Battlefield has always pushed me towards hunkering down with a machinegun and holding off an area or sniping from a kilometer away because the simple task of walking is such a headache. Thankfully this issue has been mostly fixed for Battlefield 3, and I am generally impressed with how it plays. CoD still comes up trumps for fluidity, but not much else.

       Herein lies the problem faced by CoD. The pros do not outweigh the cons. The smoothness is fine and all, but when you considder the singleplayer campaign has become so obsurd that you expect Bruce Willis to smash through a window at any given moment handing out vests and one-liners to all involved, then the main selling point is obviously the multiplayer. And as usual boys and girls predictability is the name of the game in this little dance- after the first few weeks the brain dead masses will have worked out the cheapest and easiest weapon- perk combo thus ruining the experience for everyone that wants to play to their own style. I would rather spend a week poking myself in the eye with a lemon wedge than give these individuals the satisfaction of padding their stats. So alas, CoDs gameplay is not award winning material in my books.

  Getting down to business, I would have to say that the winner for this particular category would be Half Life 2. A fairly simplistic title with no perks, gimmicks or superpowers. You just point at anything you want to die, and click away. The story is not exactly groundbreaking either- just your standard dystopian future. War of the Worlds inspired walkers, over friendly face-hugger style aliens, and space Nazis. Naturally. Bizarrely, the enjoyment of this game is vastly improved through one simple feature. Namely, the gravity gun. A device that allows you to launch every day objects at lethal velocity with reckless abandon. It amazes me how much amusement can be had at the expense of something so basic. I guess it caters perfectly for the inner need to smash objects into other objects. The interaction that can be had with your surrounding environment is unbelievable in Half Life 2, this feature alone was enough to spawn an entire game- Portals- in which you can create cross dimensional portals to solve puzzles in a bizarre mix of pure enjoyment and brain fuckery. But for me, the gravity gun is where its at. Launch a harpoon at a bad guy, laugh maniacally as it impales him to a wall. Fire a tin of beans at his friend, receive a 12guage slug to the face because you just tried to commit murder with groceries. Totally worth it.

30 day video game challenge day 9

   Now when I first picked up Gears of War, never did I imagine that two games down the line it would even be a contender for the saddest game scene. But Gears of War 3 pulled it off. Damn, I did not see that one coming, not in a million years. The Gears of War trilogy has been hailed by many as an extreme testosterone fest- myself included. The male characters look like they have been fed a hardy diet of nothing but steroids and cows since birth, and females are few and far between. Hell, your signature weapon is a gun with a chainsaw attachment, that's manlier than a sweat kebab. However once you get past the intimidating wall of meat that is the Gears cast and actually play the game, you will find the characters have some real substance.

      The scene in question is the death of Dominic Santiago- arguably the joint protagonist of the Gears titles. If like myself you were introduced to Gears as a secondary in co op play, you will have played as Dom throughout Gears 1, 2 and most of 3. Suffice to say you will have familiarized yourself with Dom's tragic and disturbed past by Gears 3- the death of his entire family at the hands of the Locust horde, and his constant struggle with the recent death of his wife- and will be rooting for him to pull through as a redemptive figure. Unfortunately, life is harsh, and Epic Games pulled a bold and surprisingly upsetting move in killing off Dom in the final portion of the Gears trilogy.

The execution of the scene was masterful, and to fully understand its power you will first need to watch this- the poignant original trailer for Gears of War. The melancholy tone of this trailer perfectly encapsulated the feeling of isolation attached to the Gears trilogy, and emphasized the need for comeradery felt by Marcus Fenix- GoWs rough skinned protagonist (voiced by John Dimaggio, the voice of Bender. Do wonders never cease?). Now skip two games down the line. Things are looking grim and you find yourself up shit creek without a wetsuit, but things are looking up as Dom finally comes to terms with his brutal past. And then this happens. See, I am not known for being forthcoming with my emotions, but I am sure this scene will have left a lump in the throat of all Gears veterans- something that will be lost on those new to the game or perhaps even those with no knowledge of the original trailer, I blame Mad World entirely. But after fighting through increasingly impossible odds and coming out on top every time, it is difficult to treat this scene casually. Credit where credit is due, if a third person shooter has achieved the saddest gaming scene they must be doing something right.

30 day video game challenge day 8

Samus has obscure tastes

     When asked which game has the best soundtrack, I very nearly fell into the same trap that I have blundered into so blatantly throughout this blog. I almost chose another Zelda game. But this is a multimedia blog, well sort of, and not a Zelda blog. It is an easy trap to fall for however when you take into consideration that during the vast majority of JRPGs you will find yourself adrift in an ocean of elevator music. No, an ocean is too calming of a comparison. Envisage an ocean of sandpaper and chalkboards and you will be closer to the ear bleeding monotony that I am trying to convey. So despite Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask and Wind Waker all sharing fantastically imaginative and catchy soundtracks bursting with charming folk ditties and haunting orchestral melodies, I have broken the spell and opted for something completely different.Up yours conventionalism.
                         
     In my opinion, Metroid Primes OST serves most effectively as a game soundtrack. It ties in seamlessly with the environment, theme and pace of the game. It is so smooth and naturalistic in fact that you may not even notice it at first. I know this seems strange but it is more commonly the terrible soundtracks that stand out as you will have noticed your eardrums evacuating the vicinity and chances are it is enough to make you switch off the game, or drown it out with your own soundtrack. And by that I mean putting on your own music, not singing karaoke loudly over the top of it. I mean that could work I suppose, whatever floats your boat. But I digress, what makes Metroid's soundtrack so successful is its bond with the game itself. I believe the game would be considerably less playable with a different soundtrack, the music of Metroid effectively attunes to the sci-fi theme yet also manages to achieve a completely unique and alien sound further enhancing the immersion of the game. The environment appears more convincingly other worldly simply through the use of a subtly ambient soundtrack. I will provide a few examples; this piece is the general theme for the vast icy region. Somehow it even sounds like ice. And that is absurd because ice does not have a sound, but there it is. I said it. Tell me you don't hear it and I will show you a liar. And here is essentially the first thing you will hear after crash landing on a hostile and alien world. For some reason that does not seem strange, it feels like exactly the sort of thing you would hear on a different planet, right? Well, assuming you crash land next to some sort of extra terrestrial iTunes. With Apple I am sure it is possible. Incidentally, Aliens seem to enjoy their techno. I approve.

    The Halo series has achieved a similar feat with via the genius of Marty O'donnell and his trademark orchestral approach to a sci-fi soundtrack. Success is often measured by familiarity, and I am sure everyone recognises the Halo theme. Halo has even spawned some of the most creative and memorable promotions within the gaming industry, such as this lovely piece. However I can't help but think think that ship sank when big names such as Steve Vai and Breaking Benjamin were invited along to cheese things up a little. The evocative chanting tied in perfectly with the completely bizarre yet brilliantly unique design of Halo's ring world, let your imagination run wild- introducing known artists and familiar genres spoiled the experience somewhat. If I wanted metal versions of my favorite game soundtracks I would have performed terrible cover versions myself as a troubled teenager. This is where Metroid comes out trumps for me. Immersion is key for making a memorable and replayable game, and a soundtrack can be surprisingly make or break for immersion levels. Of course if you wanted to take easy street, you could just follow the examples of Grand Theft Auto and Saints Row by filling your game with 80s hits- thus making everything ten times more amusing when your killing sprees and rampages are accompanied by Bonnie Tyler's Holding out for a Hero and some other of the planets most absurd tunes.

From my brain to you

Hello everybody, whilst writing today's edition of random gibberish also known as the 30 day video game challenge, it suddenly dawned on me that it may look like I am plucking these questions out of thin air, making them up on the spot with my sheer genius. Well this may be true for the answers, but the questions have been taken from here. So if you are finding the questions rather random or lacking in substance then blame someone who isn't me. Also, I have changed around questions 7 and 11 for the reason that I want the "Favorite videogame couple" post to coincide with Valentines day. I am thematic like that, and can say with a fair level of certainty that I will not be doing anything exciting on the day in question. Cry me a river.

My second realization of today (yes, its been a busy day for my brain) is that as of yet I have not fulfilled the claim that this blog shall be multimedia related, so far the focus has been purely gaming. Well have no fear, I am planning to review some films, TV shows, or perhaps even albums in the near future. Your faith and patience shall be rewarded, so sit on those hands. Of course if your thirst for film digestion must be quenched, go here you greedy thing, and drink deep from the blog of another. This link will take you to my brother's blog which is more film focused, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. I am aware I am heavily plugging the family Rossi but I have no shame so don't bother pointing it out. As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned for more daily insanity from your minister of ranting,
        El DeadTom

30 day video game challenge day 7

   I am going to keep this one short but sweet as it is both a tedious and often controversial subject that nearly always results in a pissing contest between fan-boys. Yep, you guessed it, day 7 asks for my Gaming system of choice. For me, it has to be the Xbox 360, quite simply because I have owned it the longest out of all of the current gen consoles. Yes that's right, the meaningless gamerscore I have accumulated over the years of owning a 360 is the sole thing keeping me from giving my Playstation 3 full attention, or indeed from buying a Wii. Well, that and I don't want to get RSI from a Wiimote and smash my TV screen as the damn thing ejects form my wrist after vigorous flailing. Hell, I don't even want to use a Wiimote. It just sounds embarrassing.

   In all honesty, the PS3 is a decent machine- I can admire it for its technical superiority over the competition. Also, the free online gaming is not to be sniffed at. And as far as Nintendo is concerned, I cant say a bad word towards them as their previous consoles have been my personal favorites of their respective generations, in addition they have produced some of my best loved and most overplayed games. However the real reason I keep with Microsoft's expensive time bomb, and this time I am being honest, is simply because I have made some good friends via Xbox live and feel it would be a big middle finger towards them if I ditched everyone for a technically superior console. And yes, I lied to you before about the gamerscore thing. Sue me. So after all the millions invested in one-uping each other, my loyalty has been secured by a completely unrelated and unforseen aspect. Somebody at Sony is going to be pissed. And if you are pissed for having your expectations of hard drive, blu ray and motion capture comparisons dashed by soppy human social requirements, then you are probably a biased little fan-boy and I am glad I have offended you. Get off my property.
      Damn, after writing this I am paranoid I may be going all soft in the head. Time to go commit virtual genocide on Xbox live like a real man. Best of all, I can do it with friends! Ahem, bad-ass friends of course. Thanks for reading, and if you are actually looking to buy a console, I recommend the PS3. But shh.

30 day video game challenge day 6

    Today I will be taking about the most annoying character in gaming. Well, I will attempt to. There are plenty of contenders, and its hard to pick just one. Annoying characters can come in many forms and there seems to be no boundary between good and evil when it comes to being a massive pain in the arse. Take Waluigi and Luigi for example, Waluigi has somehow achieved the impressive feat of being more annoying than his karmically balanced counterpart. I didn't even believe this was possible being that Luigi is just a lankier, whinier version of Mario- I was under the impression the Italian people could not be degraded further by the Mario clan. Alas, I was wrong. Waluigi is basically Berlusconi in videogame form, lets just leave it at that.

    Do not be fooled, however. Waluigi may contain the essence of all annoying game characters, but he shall not receive the golden merit of grand douchebaggery. That title, my friends, is reserved for another. You see first you must understand how I arrived at the conclusion- for many games are plagued by annoying characters. Be it the rambling mentors that will talk you to death during the tutorial stages of an RPG and force you to rage-quit the game before you have slain your first foe, the clingy emotional car-crash of a love interest who questions your every action as you attempt  to save the freaking world, or simply a baddie that is so incredibly frustrating to fight that it tempts you to track down and wail on the responsible developers with a bag of doorknobs as a simpler alternative. However to achieve true greatness as an annoying bastard, they need to be memorable. Plenty of characters fill the above criteria but are not significant enough to commit to my ever dwindling  memory banks. Just play any Final Fantasy game and I am sure you will run into if not one then all three of the above character types. If this character is not haunting your dreams and forcing you to wake up with a mouthful of pillow, then they just aren't doing it properly.


   And here is that very character. Tingle the fairy. Or as he is sometimes called, Tingle the middle-aged drifter who dresses up in spandex and watches children from a hot air balloon. I know, that one is a bit wordy but lets not dress it up here. Yes, Tingle the fairy from the fantastical Legend of Zelda series has managed to score leagues ahead of the pack in the annoying character pool. Its hard to say which he is more- annoying or creepy- but I can tell you for a fact he is a fucking sack load of both. I should probably steer clear from any sack analogies when describing Tingle, he is just that depraved. To any of you whose childhood innocence was not robbed by this suggested sex offender, I shall provide a brief description, although the picture really says more than words ever could. Tingle is a fully grown man who dresses like a fairy because he believes he is a fairy. Of course. In Zelda: Majora's Mask, Link must burst his sack (oh damn, it happened didn't it?) in order to take Tingle out of the air and purchase his crudely sketched maps. Talking to Tingle was like inserting starved leeches into your ears, when he wasn't spouting infuriating nonsense about his disturbing personal life, he was making inane noises or convincing Link to befriend him for reasons I do not want to think about. This is all of course my interpretation of the scenario, none of this was ever covered in the Zelda games, but it sure was implied. Loosely. Who knows, maybe I am the sicko here. Either way, if you want your kids to grow up fast, show them Tingle and see what happens. You have been warned...

30 day video game challenge day 5

Day 5 fields a difficult question; Which character do you feel you are most like?
Inevitably, the answer is going to be either massively self loathing or disturbingly delusional, but reaching said answer will be the tricky part. I think this is more likely a case of finding out which characters I am most unlike, and then filtering out the remainder. First off the bat you can eliminate the obvious groups, like the hard-assed bastard war veterans. Marcus Fenix, Soap Mctavish, Master Chief- if I told you I was seven foot tall, could bench press main battle tanks and ate alien skulls like cereal then its a safe bet I am lying to impress you. If anyone finds themselves relating to these characters, they should probably seek psychiatric help. I'm looking at you Stephen Segal. Even Mass Effects Commander Shepherd is hard to relate to. I mean I know he/ she is essentially an extension of you, but I cant help feel that Shepherd is more of an ass. On occasion I have been known to say the wrong thing and rub someone up the wrong way, but its like Shepherd  identifies the right thing to say, and then deliberately says the opposite. Even the compliments have all the backhand power of a tennis pro.

Speaking of Shepherd, this brings me to the creatable characters. Many modern games, usually RPGs, give you the option to create a character from scratch. And this is always going to end one of two ways for me. Either I take the path of vanity and attempt to construct myself in virtual form (with added generosity in certain areas), or more commonly if the character engine is poor, I make someone who will likely fit in with the aesthetics of the given game. I feel I would be cheating you if I said the character I feel I am most like is myself, plus its not exactly easy to relate to a floating head and a dialogue wheel. Shame, that was a good answer.

Many of vdieogamings great characters have been, for whatever reason, entirely mute. Or at least unnaturally quiet. As spaced out and dazed as I can sometimes be, I am not sure I can relate to someone like Gordon Freeman- a man who refuses to utter a word even when crab-like alien creatures are attempting to mate relentlessly with his face.  I guess such traumatic experiences could explain the large number of voiceless gaming characters, Link has to contend with randy zombies and genocidal lunar cycles on a daily basis and he is just a child. I cant compete with that, and I am not sure I want to. So that rules out our silent protagonists. 

I believe this leaves us with the characters that aren't even human, Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Sonic and all the other cuddly hyperactive critters. I am going to go ahead and draw a line right through this group, I mean I may aswel be picking characters out by random at this point; Bomberman, because I am a pyromaniac! Kratos, because I have a god complex! Hellghast soldier #375 because I'm a... peon? Conclusively its incredibly difficult to pick a character that is most like me simply because videogame characters by nature are very unrealistic. Videogames are more often than not a form of escapist expression and if designers were to fill them with realistic characters they would have to populate 90% of their titles with assholes and ignoramuses.
But I suppose if you have read this far and still have no answer I have to give you something, dear reader, so I shall not disappoint. If I had to pick anyone I would say it would be the one character that shares 3 of my most charming characteristics; Jun, from Halo Reach. Sarcastic, arrogant and prefers to take down his enemies through the safety of a sniper scope like a real man. Who said there were no more heroes?

30 day video game challenge day 4

After a summer of work, an autumn of big releases, and a winter of pure concentrated procrastination, I have returned to finish what was started. Prepare for Blog attempt 2: the unoriginal title. In cinemas 2012

Day 4 asks which game do you consider a guilty pleasure? For me, it can only be the Ninja Gaiden titles; Team Ninjas hack and slash arcade em up, and as far as I can tell an answer to both Devil May Cry and Metal Gear. Now just because it is a guilty pleasure of mine, do not take that as a reflection of the NG titles. They are not bad games, not by any account. They do however posses all the characteristics of your average over the top Japanese anime- cheesy dialogue, unrealistically proportioned women, and heavy doses of gratuitous violence. In other words if you are looking for substance, you have picked up the wrong game... Unless that substance is intestines. 

Ninja Gaiden does at least make up for its lack of depth and engaging narrative by being difficult- very difficult. I'm talking rage induced coma difficult. Even the lower difficulty settings can be like fighting off a pack of tigers armed only with a ragged oven mit. The final stages of Ninja Gaiden 2, for example, consist of fighting seemingly steroid enhanced versions of the games previous bosses in one condensed area, and often whilst fending off hordes of slightly less murderous enemies. Or fighting two bosses at once. Whilst on fire. Or upsidedown. Ok that may have been a mild exaggeration, but the end result is much the same- your thumbs will resemble shark attack victims. At least when I am wading through entrails up to my neck in claret from the hewn limbs of my fallen foes and shielding my ears from the cringe-worthy comments of scantly clad femmininjas- I can persuade myself I am just in it for the challenge.