Friday, 24 February 2012

Hardcore Pawn

      I am now going to have a bit of a rant about a very very annoying game so you may have to humor me. For some reason the 30 day video game challenge is missing this particular category so I'm going to freestyle it. Also the game in question haunts me every day so I desperately need to vent before it suffocates me. OK here we go, have you guessed it? Of course you haven't because the game in question is virtual chess. Or is it? I don't actually know the correct name, I mean it hardly qualifies as a video game in the sense you cannot buy it on a disc- I believe it comes as standard with Windows Home Edition. Possibly. Well whatever OS the PC at work has, its on that. Yes I am complaining about a crummy desktop game I play at work, so get used to this terrible concept you sycophants. 

      Now I am no chess master, but Id like to think of myself as a thinking man. See, all the thinking in that sentence proves it. But even on the easiest setting, this game is completely impossible.. Everything move you make is matched an accounted for- the AI does everything in such a way that every single piece will be backed up with another. Take a piece and you can be sure that yours will in turn be taken immediately, or something else you left open will be taken as a result of not moving it. Even if by some miracle of the divines you manage to gain an advantage, the computer will roll out the queen and steamroller all your pieces with extreme precision. Any misallocation of your pieces will be punished as the AI doles out multi-directional death.
      That's not even the worst part, the rules seem to be completely makeshift. As soon as a pawn gets through your lines, instead of earning back one of their lost pieces back the enemy gains another queen. Soon enough you are faced with an army of queens, which despite sounding like a nightclub in Brighton is actually very threatening. Maybe I am just approaching it from the wrong direction. Chess takes due thought and calculation, and when I am playing in my lunch break I am usually tackling it at 100 miles per hour trying to destroy everything with a single rook. Still, I am not so sure. The one time I did try to take things slow, my foe still had a wall of pawns and an unbeatable queen between me and sweet victory. Its madness, when you are faced with an enemy that plays 100% defensively and exploits any mistake, there is literally nothing you can do. As a gamer this frustrates my ego complex of needing to win everything. If you ever want to see a grown man rage quit a game of chess, come visit me at work.
Next time I am taking a shovel to the desktop, check mate motherfucker.

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