Hardcore Pawn

      I am now going to have a bit of a rant about a very very annoying game so you may have to humor me. For some reason the 30 day video game challenge is missing this particular category so I'm going to freestyle it. Also the game in question haunts me every day so I desperately need to vent before it suffocates me. OK here we go, have you guessed it? Of course you haven't because the game in question is virtual chess. Or is it? I don't actually know the correct name, I mean it hardly qualifies as a video game in the sense you cannot buy it on a disc- I believe it comes as standard with Windows Home Edition. Possibly. Well whatever OS the PC at work has, its on that. Yes I am complaining about a crummy desktop game I play at work, so get used to this terrible concept you sycophants. 

      Now I am no chess master, but Id like to think of myself as a thinking man. See, all the thinking in that sentence proves it. But even on the easiest setting, this game is completely impossible.. Everything move you make is matched an accounted for- the AI does everything in such a way that every single piece will be backed up with another. Take a piece and you can be sure that yours will in turn be taken immediately, or something else you left open will be taken as a result of not moving it. Even if by some miracle of the divines you manage to gain an advantage, the computer will roll out the queen and steamroller all your pieces with extreme precision. Any misallocation of your pieces will be punished as the AI doles out multi-directional death.
      That's not even the worst part, the rules seem to be completely makeshift. As soon as a pawn gets through your lines, instead of earning back one of their lost pieces back the enemy gains another queen. Soon enough you are faced with an army of queens, which despite sounding like a nightclub in Brighton is actually very threatening. Maybe I am just approaching it from the wrong direction. Chess takes due thought and calculation, and when I am playing in my lunch break I am usually tackling it at 100 miles per hour trying to destroy everything with a single rook. Still, I am not so sure. The one time I did try to take things slow, my foe still had a wall of pawns and an unbeatable queen between me and sweet victory. Its madness, when you are faced with an enemy that plays 100% defensively and exploits any mistake, there is literally nothing you can do. As a gamer this frustrates my ego complex of needing to win everything. If you ever want to see a grown man rage quit a game of chess, come visit me at work. Next time I am taking a shovel to the desktop, check mate motherfucker.

I haven't shot anyone in the face in a while

   Ok firstly I think I should explain the title at the risk of sounding like a hitman on vacation. Basically I haven't been able to do any gaming in a while, and as I play mainly shooters, I do my fair share of face shooting when I am gaming. On a good day. On a bad day this may be extended to shin/kneecap/fingertip shooting. I know, its a wonderful social experience. Anyhow, as you may have noticed I also have not done any blogging in a while. I feel I should justify this as for once it is not down to laziness on behalf of yours truly. Basically over the course of the last week or so I have been contending with sudden employment, funerals and other random occurrences that have overall left me physically, mentally and emotionally drained. Like a sponge left out in the sun, I imagine. But today I feel like writing- I don't know if that is down to clocking off early or manning up, spamming up and generally shutting the fuck up and getting on with it. So I have hydrated my poor sponge self and proceeded to spout gobbledeegook for your entertainment. Here is some stuff about things, enjoy it.

30 day video game challenge day 12

      You would think that when deciding on a game everyone should play, one should chose something universal. Well that was a good idea in practice but I went for something that is universal as long as you are over 16. I know that isn't universal in the slightest but I don't know anyone under 16 so I figure I can get away with it. Anyhow, I think everyone should play Limbo. And by Limbo, I mean the disturbing surreal arcade title and not the one where you shimmy under a stick of varying height. That's a real game for real people. But I know everyone will not play this title unfortunately as half the people reading this probably have the incorrect console and the rest aren't even gamers. Perhaps when I am undisputed lord and master of the world you shall all play Limbo under the do-as-I-say regime, but until then you can pick up this title on Xbox Live Arcade and Paystation Network. I am not sure about the Wii- I doubt it would cross over well. Shake Wiimote to wii yourself and go fetal. 

      In Limbo, you play a child trapped within the mind of Joseph Fritzl. Well, I am sure you are trapped in limbo as the name suggests. However, everything is so dark, twisted and out to get you that you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise. When I first played Limbo, I hailed it as the game that could give you arachnophobia. I stand by that statement- when the giant spiders slink out of the shadows I still run for the hills. I am sure playing Limbo is not healthy for the psyche. Literally anything would be healthier on the mind. Even a twelve hour flight to New Jersey. Sat next to a screaming baby. And the in flight movie is something with Adam Sandler. And they are out of headphones. That was a long one, but you get the picture. Limbo is pretty damn dark.

     Darkness is not the reason I recommend Limbo however. Don't get me wrong it does disturbing incredibly well, which is difficult to find in games of late (Unless you have played Fallout 3 and stumble across a vault full of clones who can only say "Gary," inspiring terror yet also curious memories of that Only Fools and Horses episode) but that is not the sole reason why you should all play Limbo. You should play Limbo for the artistic value. The game looks wonderful, in a creepy arthouse sort of way. Everything is black and white set with thick heavy shadows, which only serves to enhance the horror when a 20ft spider lumbers menacingly out of nowhere to impale you in the noggin and suck out your young delicious brains. The sound design is nothing short of epic- the wind whispering through the trees is ominously atmospheric, genuinely conveying the "I'm about to be murdered by something spiky" feel. In short play this game and enjoy its deliciousness- eat it like a cake. A cake of terror. So anything with coconut, har har. But seriously, Limbo is so unique and artsy it is like a breath of fresh air. I give it 3 thumbs up.

Frankensteins day

   As I am sure most of you are aware, yesterday was valentines day. I hope you all had a good time, couple or no, and if not I hope my previous romantically themed blog served to cheer you up a little. Sorry its a day late, apparently when you update your blog it doesn't save when you are not signed in. Who knew?!?

Anyhow, I spent the evening playing the Mass Effect 3 demo which came out on the same day, which I am sure slightly less of you are aware. If that sounds depressing well maybe my curse is honesty, but I had fun so its all good in the proverbial hood.

In summary, ME3 is shaping up to be pure awesomeness- and I didnt even touch the singleplayer. So far the multiplayer element seems to follow the popular horde mode path. You and 3 friends (or random strangers, you decide) suit up as a collection of bad-ass humans and attempt to survive 10 punishing waves of unforgiving mercenaries. New characters, classes and even races can be unlocked through leveling up, and it seems in the full game additional enemy types and customization options can be unlocked to keep the experience fresh. Despite being but a taster containing only two maps, I still enjoyed replaying them to death over the course of the evening. This may in no small part due to getting lucky with unlocks- as my human character I quickly gained damage upgrades for a sniper rifle, and then managed to get my hands on an anti material rifle which seemingly destroys most targets with one shot in a spray of crimson. A short time down the line I unlocked a Krogan soldier, and proceeded to headbutt my way to victory. I can tell you they are not the most team friendly characters; half the time I was blocking shots from my allies with the sheer size of my player model, the rest of the game I was inadvertently poaching kills by lashing out at the nearest thing with my giant armored cranium. Still, the whole thing is ridiculously enjoyable and I cannot wait for the full game. Happy belated valentines from space!

30 day video game challenge day 11

   I would say this was just in time for valentines day, however my blog decided not to save yesterday so whatever. I thought choosing my favorite game couple was a little strange at first as I was faced with analyzing the relationships of fictional characters like a therapist in need of therapy of his own. But that is me all over so I ran with it. The obvious choice would be Princess Peach and Mario. But I ask you, who decided they were so perfect? The whole thing just reeks of a dysfunctional relationship. Being captured so often by Bowser seems fishy to me, almost like she isn't being captured at all... maybe Mario should look into that next time. Italians are passionate, it could get ugly, so there's a sequel to look forward to. Mario and the Mushroom Murder Inquiry.  Don't forget my royalties.

    My favorite game couple would have to be Master Chief and Cortana of Halo fame. I know you probably saw that one coming, and their status as a couple or indeed if a 7ft government made cyborg and an artificial intelligence can actually be a couple is debatable, but in my eyes their relationship seems the most human. Which is ironic because neither of them are strictly human... Regardless, I cant help but find  the whole thing rather poetic. Which again comes as a surprise in an FPS title, but Bungie have always been good at combining original gameplay and concepts with engaging narrative and memorable characters. The connection of the two is more than skin deep, both are seen as outcasts- mere tools by design that should be utilized for war, that human emotions and compassion are beyond them. But  battling for the fate of the universe on the fringes of the galaxy, they get through it together. A symbiotic relationship of brains and brawn forged in the fires of battle. You cant get much more intimate than someone living inside your head, that's like having flatshare with your partner inside a bowl of cereal. But there Cortana resides, serving as an extension of the Master Chief- the voice inside his head, and the one true friend in his times of need. The one true human connection in an alien world.

   It is something that is never mentioned within the games, merely implied upon. But to me that serves to enforce it. A forbidden love that cannot be discussed will always be more powerful than the fairytale relationship of a princess and an Italian plumber. (I mean come on Nintendo, that is just lazy). Ultimately as their story concludes, the Master Chief goes through hell itself to rescue Cortana from the clutches of evil. It is difficult to find that sort of compassion anywhere else in the gaming world. I am speaking metaphorically of course, if you want a more literal interpretation of that particular scenario The Darkness offers a taste of pure hell as the protagonist watches the love of his life executed in front of his very eyes, and in an act of  finite desperation proceeds to feed himself a lead sandwich. Next level? You guessed it, the plains of hell. But I figure that is too grim of a tale for valentines day, so instead let us focus on the love between a lean green killing machine and his glowing holographic woman. Hallelujah!

30 day video game challenge day 10

    The 10th day covers best gameplay. To avoid complication I am going to talk about best gameplay within first person shooters. Partly because I think the FPS genre has some of the best all round gameplay anyway, but also because comparing gameplay within separate genres doesn't really make sense. Think about it, Sonic the Hedgehog and Halo are both enjoyable games in their own rights, but try and find a similarity and you will be hard pressed. Although, we have never seen Master Chief without that helmet...
Unfortunately these days it is difficult to pick contenders for best gameplay for the simple reason that this core, crucial game component is often neglected. Instead, the focus is shifted towards graphical tweaks, small physics enhancements or a flashy new feature. Take Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 as an example- that was sold simply off the back of a few new game modes, weapons and perks. Other than that, practically identical as Modern Warfare 2. Worth spending £40 on? Apparently so, as it is the best selling videogame to date. For me fancy gimmicks are not what makes a game. Unfortunately your average gamer will be drawn in by these shiney new features like a magpie. Thats right, a magpie. Dangle a new big name title in front of them and they will peck away at it for a few weeks, then a short time down the line they will forget about it and do the exact same thing with the next title. Like some form of horrific goldfish-magpie hybrid. Anyway enough about gene splicing and back to Call of Duty.

         Yes- despite the shamelessly ham-fisted approach to marketing deployed by Treyarch, or Infinity Ward,or whoever the hell is owning the CoD franchise these days- you cannot fault the CoD series for gameplay. They are by no means the best around, but as far as fluidity and ease of movement is concerned, its hard to beat CoD. By means of Comparison, the console Battlefield titles (prior to Battlefield 3) feel somewhat... bloated. Simply walking around feels like you are at a constant struggle against gravity, almost like you are wading through treacle. I understand if its an attempt at achieving a feeling akin to carrying tons of battle equipment, however it feels as if your soldier soiled himself during the previous firefight and as a last ditch attempt to compensate for the embarrassment and trauma decided to down 6 litres of vodka. CoD on the other hand has always ran rather smoothly, running and gunning is infinitely more possible in CoD titles. Battlefield has always pushed me towards hunkering down with a machinegun and holding off an area or sniping from a kilometer away because the simple task of walking is such a headache. Thankfully this issue has been mostly fixed for Battlefield 3, and I am generally impressed with how it plays. CoD still comes up trumps for fluidity, but not much else.

       Herein lies the problem faced by CoD. The pros do not outweigh the cons. The smoothness is fine and all, but when you considder the singleplayer campaign has become so obsurd that you expect Bruce Willis to smash through a window at any given moment handing out vests and one-liners to all involved, then the main selling point is obviously the multiplayer. And as usual boys and girls predictability is the name of the game in this little dance- after the first few weeks the brain dead masses will have worked out the cheapest and easiest weapon- perk combo thus ruining the experience for everyone that wants to play to their own style. I would rather spend a week poking myself in the eye with a lemon wedge than give these individuals the satisfaction of padding their stats. So alas, CoDs gameplay is not award winning material in my books.

  Getting down to business, I would have to say that the winner for this particular category would be Half Life 2. A fairly simplistic title with no perks, gimmicks or superpowers. You just point at anything you want to die, and click away. The story is not exactly groundbreaking either- just your standard dystopian future. War of the Worlds inspired walkers, over friendly face-hugger style aliens, and space Nazis. Naturally. Bizarrely, the enjoyment of this game is vastly improved through one simple feature. Namely, the gravity gun. A device that allows you to launch every day objects at lethal velocity with reckless abandon. It amazes me how much amusement can be had at the expense of something so basic. I guess it caters perfectly for the inner need to smash objects into other objects. The interaction that can be had with your surrounding environment is unbelievable in Half Life 2, this feature alone was enough to spawn an entire game- Portals- in which you can create cross dimensional portals to solve puzzles in a bizarre mix of pure enjoyment and brain fuckery. But for me, the gravity gun is where its at. Launch a harpoon at a bad guy, laugh maniacally as it impales him to a wall. Fire a tin of beans at his friend, receive a 12guage slug to the face because you just tried to commit murder with groceries. Totally worth it.

30 day video game challenge day 9

   Now when I first picked up Gears of War, never did I imagine that two games down the line it would even be a contender for the saddest game scene. But Gears of War 3 pulled it off. Damn, I did not see that one coming, not in a million years. The Gears of War trilogy has been hailed by many as an extreme testosterone fest- myself included. The male characters look like they have been fed a hardy diet of nothing but steroids and cows since birth, and females are few and far between. Hell, your signature weapon is a gun with a chainsaw attachment, that's manlier than a sweat kebab. However once you get past the intimidating wall of meat that is the Gears cast and actually play the game, you will find the characters have some real substance.

      The scene in question is the death of Dominic Santiago- arguably the joint protagonist of the Gears titles. If like myself you were introduced to Gears as a secondary in co op play, you will have played as Dom throughout Gears 1, 2 and most of 3. Suffice to say you will have familiarized yourself with Dom's tragic and disturbed past by Gears 3- the death of his entire family at the hands of the Locust horde, and his constant struggle with the recent death of his wife- and will be rooting for him to pull through as a redemptive figure. Unfortunately, life is harsh, and Epic Games pulled a bold and surprisingly upsetting move in killing off Dom in the final portion of the Gears trilogy.

The execution of the scene was masterful, and to fully understand its power you will first need to watch this- the poignant original trailer for Gears of War. The melancholy tone of this trailer perfectly encapsulated the feeling of isolation attached to the Gears trilogy, and emphasized the need for comeradery felt by Marcus Fenix- GoWs rough skinned protagonist (voiced by John Dimaggio, the voice of Bender. Do wonders never cease?). Now skip two games down the line. Things are looking grim and you find yourself up shit creek without a wetsuit, but things are looking up as Dom finally comes to terms with his brutal past. And then this happens. See, I am not known for being forthcoming with my emotions, but I am sure this scene will have left a lump in the throat of all Gears veterans- something that will be lost on those new to the game or perhaps even those with no knowledge of the original trailer, I blame Mad World entirely. But after fighting through increasingly impossible odds and coming out on top every time, it is difficult to treat this scene casually. Credit where credit is due, if a third person shooter has achieved the saddest gaming scene they must be doing something right.